Roll the windows down, this cool night air is curious. Let the whole world look in, who cares who sees anything
So instead of hiding behind poetic lines and metaphors, I’ve decided to write at least this one passage about whats really going in my life. Maybe because I know the safety of it, obviously less of my friends read these small entries than perhaps a status update on facebook. Thus, I deleted my facebook, to get myself away from the societal habit of posting small details just to get the most “likes”.
This past month has not been easy. I haven’t cried so much, drank so much, felt more hopeless than perhaps the over dramatic days of high school. It all began with the ending of an 8 month relationship which should have not been so trivial, if I hadn’t been forced to really look into my life and finally start seeing everything the way that I do now. I’m now seeing, really looking, and marveling at every still frame that my eyes have been capturing, so similar to how I’m always looking through my camera lens.
I see my mistakes, the fears that I hid behind, the insecurities that have always been holding me back. For the first time I can’t run from them. Like a rushing wave its all collapsing over me, but with the receding waters I can pick up the small washed pieces left behind. Bit by bit I can build everything up again. It takes time. It takes perseverance. It takes patience; which I have little of.
My story isn’t one of tragic woe, its not of extreme peril, it’s not a contest of survival. But it is mine. It’s all of internal struggle as we all grow out of youth and begin coming into our own. Finding our own nest where we can settle in.
My only hope is that someday when all becomes well in my later years, some part of my story, will help someone with writing their own.
I guess life is about those quiet moments,
Not the one ten minutes ago when you stormed out slamming the door.
Still not quiet enough when you curled up next to me and laid your head in the curve of my back.
But more as of now, as you read studying at your desk and I see my golden hair hanging from your shirt.
I smile and remember why I love you.
I can smell his scent on my skin,
I feel his arms wrapped around me pulling me tighter,
And although he isn’t with me,
I feel his face pressed against my cheek as his breath trickles down the back of my neck.
Was it one night ago or months since the touch was real,
How long since the bites on my neck were made,
Time didn’t matter when he kissed me so restlessly,
eyes made tired from staring deep into our souls as night drew on,
or when he held me and never let go.
Love isn’t blind.
Love is Omni-present, all knowing, and enveloping.
We choose love, choose only to see love.
Love isn’t blind, we blind ourselves.
Love is an extra lens we use to see.
Although our eyes will always have faults and blind spots,
Do not blame love for things you cannot see,
Because love is what gives you the ability to understand it all.
It’s as they all say, third time is a charm.
But not to me, it’s just another big mistake.
My life is now defined by sequences of threes,
And the third time is the worst.
Does it just take three times to learn a lesson?
Three times before it stays forever imprinted in my mind?
Third time again,
Let it be over before I lose my mind.
And therein lies your problem,
You’re just looking for an answer, you think you know what you’re solving for.
Sometimes that is the problem, and to solve, you need to go back to the root, the equation to see how she got there.
Then its a matter of following the patterns and rhythms back down the line until you understand,
She is the variable.
When the leaves first begin to fall and shadows cover the moon, I’ll take the dark winding road and feel the cold deep in my soul. The rain will wash the embers and clear past imprints left on my mind. Fate carry me to a new place, one where I feel peace, where the sun never rises.