Well I am sorry.
I’m sorry that I had to cut you permanently from my life. I’m sorry that I did it without warning.
I’m sorry for the things I did. I’m sorry for not doing more. I’m sorry that I didn’t blame you more.
I could have told you how I felt. I could have put up more of a fight. I prayed to God that he would let you be mine until I stopped fighting, and well I did.
But I’m not sorry that things are over. It’s funny now how things have come to light. The lies, the insecurities, that we kept hidden all along. So we share the blame, share the apologies without meaning any of it.
I’m sorry that you’ll never read these words. I’m sorry that we never said a goodbye. I’m sorry that we both had to move on with our lives, although for you i’m sorry that it was so easy.
So instead of hiding behind poetic lines and metaphors, I’ve decided to write at least this one passage about whats really going in my life. Maybe because I know the safety of it, obviously less of my friends read these small entries than perhaps a status update on facebook. Thus, I deleted my facebook, to get myself away from the societal habit of posting small details just to get the most “likes”.
This past month has not been easy. I haven’t cried so much, drank so much, felt more hopeless than perhaps the over dramatic days of high school. It all began with the ending of an 8 month relationship which should have not been so trivial, if I hadn’t been forced to really look into my life and finally start seeing everything the way that I do now. I’m now seeing, really looking, and marveling at every still frame that my eyes have been capturing, so similar to how I’m always looking through my camera lens.
I see my mistakes, the fears that I hid behind, the insecurities that have always been holding me back. For the first time I can’t run from them. Like a rushing wave its all collapsing over me, but with the receding waters I can pick up the small washed pieces left behind. Bit by bit I can build everything up again. It takes time. It takes perseverance. It takes patience; which I have little of.
My story isn’t one of tragic woe, its not of extreme peril, it’s not a contest of survival. But it is mine. It’s all of internal struggle as we all grow out of youth and begin coming into our own. Finding our own nest where we can settle in.
My only hope is that someday when all becomes well in my later years, some part of my story, will help someone with writing their own.
I’ve come again to this quiet place
A place of the past, of distant memories
The silence is finally the gift I’ve been asking for
Even if the tears fall from my face they will echo no sound
This old bed I’ve outgrown
Not even enough room to miss the body that used to lie next to mine
Here this place is just a memory
Even the time on the grandfather clock stands still
So I face my fears
And listen to be steady beating of my heart
Listen to the rhythms of the insects in the dark
And study the shadows forming in the pale moonlight
If it comes to fight or flight
The latter I will always choose
Death is always waiting around the corner
My family of this is proof
To fight brings the most anxiety
What do I even fight for?
I rest my hand on the family bible
Has all my fate already been determined?
So I let it all go
Lay all my cards on the table
And then just throw them away
It’s time to re-define the lines
To start anew again
To get a breath of fresh air
Time for a change of pace
Waiting for the rain
Waiting for the sun to rise
Waiting for the sunset
Waiting for wounds to heal
Waiting for bones to set
Waiting for a call
Waiting to die
Waiting for an answer
Waiting for a response
Waiting for an opportunity
Waiting for the chance
Waiting for a new beginning
Waiting for it all to end
Waiting for the plants to grow
Waiting for the fruit to ripen
Waiting in lines
Waiting for patience
We all are waiting on something
You just tell me to not wait for you.
My face is so cold I can’t feel the water as it runs down my cheek.
I know its there.
It’s all slipping through my fingers now.
I can’t find it anymore in the dark.
I’m afraid that this cruel twist has set into motion,
Fate turning too fast to stop and turn it back now.
Can the clock start ticking backwards?
Turn back the hours and days,
Until my voice finds its strength to speak.
This Silence has betrayed me
And I will watch you as you go.
All that remains is the silence.
I guess life is about those quiet moments,
Not the one ten minutes ago when you stormed out slamming the door.
Still not quiet enough when you curled up next to me and laid your head in the curve of my back.
But more as of now, as you read studying at your desk and I see my golden hair hanging from your shirt.
I smile and remember why I love you.
I can smell his scent on my skin,
I feel his arms wrapped around me pulling me tighter,
And although he isn’t with me,
I feel his face pressed against my cheek as his breath trickles down the back of my neck.
Was it one night ago or months since the touch was real,
How long since the bites on my neck were made,
Time didn’t matter when he kissed me so restlessly,
eyes made tired from staring deep into our souls as night drew on,
or when he held me and never let go.
Love isn’t blind.
Love is Omni-present, all knowing, and enveloping.
We choose love, choose only to see love.
Love isn’t blind, we blind ourselves.
Love is an extra lens we use to see.
Although our eyes will always have faults and blind spots,
Do not blame love for things you cannot see,
Because love is what gives you the ability to understand it all.